Birth of a Comedian
"I had originally lived in a parellel dimension to Earth, which is a perpindicular dimension to my home planet of Kittenoa. I lived in a small suburb of one of the large cities. Hey, it could've been worse; I knew people who lived in a large suburb of a small city, and THAT city was the size of St. Augustine! So small you couldn't tell whether or not roaches were in your house, and if you tried eating spaghetti, you'd be in for a surprise.
"Anyway, I lived in a modest house with my parents, my 4 brothers, and my 2 sisters. The farthest back time I can remember having any contact with my brothers and sisters was back when I was about 5 weeks old. I looked around, played with some leftover yarn for a little bit, but I got bored. Never in the world had I felt so alone.
"Therefore, I decided that I needed someone to hang around with, as well as something to hang on to. I walked into where my older brother Chico was sleeping, and said two words: 'WAKE UP!!'
"Anyway, Chico woke up faster than a rabbit that's been stung by a hornet, stepped back, and clobbered me clear across the room. I found myself hanging onto the handle of the refrigerator door. And that, my friends, was the earliest contact I'd ever had. Literally.
"A number of years later, not long after my little brother Daniel was born, I developed an interest in model airplanes and trucks. Therefore, using what I could of my daily allowance, I'd make annual trips to the store to buy as many as I could. This backfired on me one day.
"That day I set to work building a model of an Aerostar, which was popular around that time. I used the glue to put together several pieces of the roof; and when I set it down, both pieces slid right off. Naturally, this infuriated me, so I used a bit more of the glue to put the pieces back together. I set it down, and sure enough, the pieces fell off again!
"After wasting half an hour using up all the glue to put the pieces back together, I slammed the empty tube onto the table and stormed out of the room. A second later, I heard my oldest brother, Bernard, shout at me: "Hey! You stole my thunder!"
"Anyways, that's not important. That night, a wrote a complaint letter to the company that made the model cars, and a response came to me 3 days later. I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter, and it read: 'Dear Teasy Melika, it would not be a good idea to get this worked up over a tube of toothpaste.' That's when their company representative showed up at the door. So I grabbed the tube of glue----the REAL tube, mind you----and shoved both of them out the door. Next came the model car, which they replaced a year later.
"That was just a minor incident in a life of mishaps. Not long after that, I decided to get a job. First off, I decided to get a job at the local glass store. However, I made such a spectacle of myself that I lost the job. Next, I tried to get a career as an athlete, like my older sister Alice.
"First, I tried baseball, but I fouled out. Basketball was next; I only played in dribbles. I attempted hockey and I was good at it for awhile until a couple of tough players forced me to check out. Finally, I tried football, but I got punted out on the third down.
"I was beaten and sore. My family was just sore. They made me go to bed without dinner, which is a tradition in families with multiple children. I rejoiced, though, when I found out they had served my mom's Lima Bean a'la Mode, which is a vegetable salad gone evil.
"Fortunately for me, I have a talent for laughter. So, that's what I did. All day, and all throughout the next night. People would come up to me on the street and say, 'You should become a stand-up comedian.' I replied, 'I don't know. What's the difference between a stand-up comedian and a regular comedian?' They said that they didn't know. I said, 'You silly. Stand-up comedians don't need chairs!' Sure enough, the next person I talked to happened to be a talent agent....and that, ladies and gentlemen, was how I got the job before you. It's also how I got the job after you, but that's not important.
"Good-night. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. You've been a good audience." **walks off-stage**