Time Bolt, Chapter One
Time Bolt: The Crossover Nightmares
Author: G. A. Wildcat
Title: A Ghost Planet Production
Main Character: Good Bird
Entertainment ID: Space Ghost, Coast to Coast
(Setting: Control Room. Moltar is standing there, speaking to none other than Prince Vegeta's image on the monitor)
Moltar: Hold on, hold on. You said you could've just charged up to full instead of part-way the last time you fought Frieza. You sure it wasn't full? It has to be some kind of mistake.
Vegeta: (chuckles) If it is, it's a pretty big one. I'm well able to do that kind of damage, but I wasn't about to risk destroying the set. Do you honestly believe I would pass up this chance at fame by disintegrating everything around me? That whole charade was done using special effects and a lot of screaming.
Moltar: Just thought I'd ask. So, how IS Frieza doing, anyway?
Vegeta: (shrugs) Come to think of it, I'm not sure. Last time I saw him was at a Chicago game in 1996. We chatted for a while throughout the second half, but he never told me what occupation he---
Voice: (off-screen) Hey, Moltar! Quit hogging the line. Our first guests are due to show up soon, and we don't need another static run!
Moltar: (sighs) Could you blast Space Ghost for me? He's been acting jittery lately.
Vegeta: (frowns) Only if he shoots at me. Contrary to the show, I only attack if provoked. You're letting these images of me fighting Kakarott get to your head.....what's your name, now?....
Moltar: Moltar. The show's director.
Vegeta: Moltar it is, then. Might as well get going before Cape Man gets on my nerves.
(Moltar throws and pulls back a lever, and Vegeta blinks off the control monitor.)
Voice: 45 seconds until showtime.
Moltar: (looks around) I know I left that bag of cash around here somewhere....
(Setting: Comissary [I hope I spelled that right]. Brak is sitting by himself at the table)
Brak: (singing "De-Der-Down" to himself) Oh, boy...I love this song.
Voice: 25 seconds until showtime.
Brak: (gets up) I think I have time for some more baked beans....
(Brak heads over to the counter to get something to eat. While his back is turned, a yellow whirlpool kicks up near the table, depositing Good Bird onto the floor and closing up behind him)
Good Bird: (groans; gets up) That's the last time I swordfight after eating birdseed out of the can...now, where in the world am I?
(GB surveys his territory, and the surroundings register something in his head)
GB: Oh, no. Don't tell me...it can't be!
(Brak approaches the table with a trey of baked beans and a can of soda)
Brak: Hey. How're you doing, buddy?
GB: (nervous) Um....fine, I guess.
Brak: That's great....what's your name, pal?
GB: My friends call me Good Bird. I just got sent here from who knows where, and now I'm trying to find my way home.
Brak: (looks at him) Please explain.
GB: (to himself) It's going to be a long....(looks outside)...night...
(Standard SG:C2C opening showing the camera flying into Ghost Planet Industries. The view zooms around several hallways and finally comes to rest in a large studio, with a desk and chair in the background. Space Ghost invisos in)
SG: Greetings, Earth citizens. I'm Space Ghost, the righter of wrongs.
Zorak: I'm Zorak, the wronger of rights. I'd say we balance each other out, don't we? Heh-heh...
SG: (to himself) Yeah, to a T. (out loud) Anyways, we have some special guests on tonight's show. Four more great anime stars are going to tell us what this business is all about! First we have....(looks off-screen) Is this right? "Luna and Artemis"?
Moltar: They're talking cats, Space Ghost. They're from the "Sailor Moon" series of cartoons.
SG: (angrily) You two are NOT going to get yourself a free meal today. Eating the guests is NOT allowed.
Moltar: Hey, don't look at me.
Zorak: Who's going to stop me? YOU?
SG: Two words, Zorak: "Destructo Ray." You harm a hair on their heads, you'll get vaporized. (calmly) Simple as that.
(Moltar and Zorak stare at him, but don't comment. In the control room, something blinks on Moltar's monitor)
Moltar: Um, Space Ghost...there's something going on in the Comissary. There's a bird in armor holding a discussion with Brak.
SG: (cuts him off) No time! YOU deal with it!
Moltar: (growls; walks away)
SG: (annoyed) Where were we?....Ah, yes. After that, we'll be speaking with Zelgadis of "Slayers" fame, and then Prince Vegeta of "Dragonball Z". Zorak, play me to the desk, and let's begin!
(Zorak and the Way-outs belt out a jazz-rock mixture. Space Ghost invisos off-screen, then reappears at his desk and waves.)
SG: (solemn) Moltar, the first guests, please.
(Moltar walks into the control room. GB is standing behind him. The lava man throws a lever, sending the two cats into the studio.)
(The television screen lowers from the ceiling onto the chair. The images of Luna and Artemis are on it)
SG: Greetings, earth cats. Is everything okay?
Artemis: Everything's fine. Why'd you ask us here?
SG: (shrugs) I didn't ask you here. (turns to Zorak) Mr. Funny Bug here did.
Zorak: (glances toward the ceiling)
SG: (turns back to the cats) So, why'd you decide to seek work in that series, anyway?
Luna: It puts food in our dishes, doesn't it? Each respective season guaranteed 2 years' worth of tuna cakes and Cat Chow.
Artemis: Besides, Serena and Raye were the perfect entertainment. You know who Tuxedo Mask is, right?
GB: (to himself) Heh...who doesn't?
SG: (irritated) How could I forget? The last time he was on my show, Zorak wouldn't stop playing that Spanish hero music.
Moltar: Space Ghost, I think it's called----
SG: (cuts him off) When I ask you to speak, you'll speak.
Artemis: All these arguments they got into over him provided hours of fun! (chuckles)
Luna: (sighs; annoyed) Speak for yourself, Artemis.
SG: So, do you have any special powers? Besides being able to talk, I mean.
Luna: Well, we can shoot those beams out of our foreheads that can totally alter a person's memory. Takes a lot out of us, though.
Zorak: With anime actors, that question is sorta redundant.
SG: (to Luna) I have that problem sometimes. I keep forgetting that I'm a ghost, and I open the door instead of going right through it....
(Setting: Control Room)
Moltar: (watching the show) Eh....I forget now why we started asking anime stars to appear on the show. This is just pathetic.
GB: (looks at the controls) How do these work?
Moltar: Just throw the lever each time he tells you to do something. It's that easy. (walks away) I'm going to the comissary. If you need anything---and I mean ANYTHING---call me.
GB: You got it. (moves in front of the control monitor)
(Setting: Studio. Zorak is staring at Luna and Artemis while Space Ghost is talking)
SG: ---so I spoke to Lita after that interview with Emeril Lagasse, asking why she rejected the invitation to appear on the show.
Zorak: So THAT'S why you had an arm brace when you walked in the week after that.
Artemis: (sarcastic) Wow. I didn't know casseroles were that violent.
SG: Yeah. Moltar, show them the video of that segment.
GB: You sure about that?
SG: Yes, I---what! Who goes there?
GB: The name's GB, SG. Moltar put me in charge of the show.
Luna: (growls) The crow!
SG: You know him?
Artemis: (growls) Yes. HE'S the one who sent us that flame review of Sailor Moon S!
Zorak: (laughs) Way to go, crow!
GB: (shrugs) The first series was okay, but by the time the Outer Sailors showed up, I was kinda in a rut. I couldn't think of anything else to put in the report.
Luna: (hisses) You'd better apologize for your actions!
GB: (grins) Heh...sorry. Seriously. Do you still want me to replay that segment, Space Ghost?
(The two cats calm down)
SG: No, it's not really necessary. Luna, how'd you meet Sailor Moon outside the show?
Luna: Well, it went a lot the way it did IN the show. She rescued me from a group of rowdy kids, except it was on the school grounds and not out on the street. That's the reason why I'm still here in the first place.
(Zorak eyes the cats as Luna is talking)
(Meanwhile, in the comissary, Moltar is sitting at the table, drinking a cup of coffee. Brak is sitting with him. Another TV monitor, similar to the one in the studio and with Zelgadis's image on it, is lowered next to Moltar)
Moltar: ....Anyway, that's Brak's side of the story.
Zelgadis: (thoughtful) Hmm...a yellow whirlpool of energy, and a bird in ninja armor...did he say anything about what he was doing there?
Moltar: He sounded confused to me. According to him, he was swordfighting with some friends. A few seconds after that, something snatched him away and dumped him in here.
Zelgadis: (nods) I'll need you and Brak to write down everything you can regarding this situation. I'll speak to the crow myself after the show.
Moltar: You got it. Did you get all that, Brak?
Brak: (stares off into space, then looks at Moltar) What?
Moltar: (annoyed) I said, "did you get all that, Brak?"
Brak: Get what?
Moltar: (annoyed) What do you mean, 'get what?' Did you even hear what Zel and I were talking about?
Brak: Not really. I was just thinking about a canary I had once.
(Moltar groans, while Zelgadis just shakes his head. In the next second, Luna and Artemis race on-screen, pursued by Zorak. Everyone else looks up in time to see Space Ghost flying after them)
Space Ghost: It's as they say, Zorak: "Zip, zilch, nada!" (raises a hand and fires his Destructo Ray)
(The beam misses Zorak by a wide margin. The two cats scamper in the opposite direction, with Zorak still pursuing them. Space Ghost fires again, but misses again----just as a beam of fire from off-screen shoots out, nailing Zorak dead-center. The mantis collides with the wall, charred black. Luna and Artemis, meanwhile, jump up onto the table and stare at Zorak)
Artemis: (smiles) Crispy brown.
Luna: (smiles and nods)
Zorak: (coughs) You think?
(GB enters the comissary, obviously having just completed his Worc's Fire assault. He puts his sword away)
GB: (irritated) If you guys don't mind, we have a show to do.
Zorak: I take back whatever good things I may have said about you before. (coughs)
GB: Speaking from experience, compliments from an evildoer just don't cut it. Get back in the studio. (turns to the monitor) Zel, you're up. Speak with you later. (walks back offscreen)
(Everyone stares in the direction that he has gone. Finally, Space Ghost breaks the silence)
SG: (laughs) He's a worse director than you are, Moltar, and that's saying a lot!
Moltar: (disgruntled) Oh, shut up.
(Time passes. Everything is now set up for the next guest. GB is back behind the control room monitor.)
SG: Alright, we're set. Next guest, bird.
GB: (growls) I have a name, you know. (throws the lever, sending Zelgadis into the studio)
SG: (watching as Zel's image appears on the monitor) Hi, Zelgadis! How are you today?
Zelgadis: (quietly) Just peachy, thank you. You know, I didn't really want to be here.
SG: Why'd you change your mind?
Zelgadis: Just something I read recently. It said flat-out that a crow in armor would be directing the show today.
GB: (surprised) So THAT'S why my name was mentioned in the TV guide.
Zelgadis: When I heard about that, I decided to appear myself and see what this was all about.
(Cut to the control room. The message "Ridiculous question in 3..2..1..." appears in small print at the top of the monitor)
SG: Oh. Right. Are you getting enough oxygen, Zel?
Zorak: (mutters) That's so stupid. Get a life, Space Jerk.
Zelgadis: (puzzled) What kind of question is that? Just because I'm part-golem doesn't mean I can't breathe.
SG: (matter-of-fact) Don't worry about this. We ask that on every episode of the show. Just work with me, here.
(Cut back to the control room. GB is speaking with Vegeta)
GB: You get all that?
Vegeta: Yes. (chuckles) While Space Goat was speaking with the two hairballs, I spoke to Moltar and Zelgadis. They both think there's something that can get you home, but they won't be able to do anything about it until it's my turn to appear.
GB: So, what is it?
Vegeta: A series of atomic fuel rods, deep inside Ghost Planet. (chuckles) While I speak to Space Geek, you and Zelgadis will get to the fuel rods. Stone-Boy will explain everything to you. He's well-versed in that sort of thing.
GB: (nods) So I hear. Thanks for the tip.
Vegeta: (smirks) My pleasure.
(Back to the show...)
SG: ....So, you aren't REALLY searching for that cure you keep talking about?
Zelgadis: (shakes his head) No. That's just something we made up for the sake of the show. In reality, I keep this form as a reminder that it could've been a lot worse.
Zorak: Yeah, you could turn invisible, shoot Destructo Rays, and host a talk show with a lava man and a mantis.
SG: (annoyed) Sure, make fun of the Space Ghost! I didn't get this popular on my own, you know! This show is NOT a failure.
Zorak: (sighs) Yeah, you're right. It's not a failure....
SG: And don't you know it.
Zorak: ....it's a DISASTER. (laughs)
SG: (glares at Zorak, irritated)
Zelgadis: (stifles a chuckle) Not all it seems to be, huh? Was there anything else you wanted to know?
SG: (irritated) Yes. Could you zap one of those little spells of yours in the direction of that keyboard?
Zelgadis: (chuckles; snaps his fingers)
(Back in the control room, GB throws the same lever, and Zelgadis blinks off the studio monitor. In its place is the Prince of the Saiyens [call them what they are, but it's easier for me to type this], Vegeta)
SG: (startled) Wha....(angry) It's not time for you to appear yet. Get lost, you Saiyen pipsqueak.
Vegeta: (snickers) I'LL say it is. Let's talk, Dork Boy. Where were you on the night of January 4, 1999?
SG: (angry) None of your business! Now, get lost or----
Vegeta: (pounds one fist into an open palm) That's irrelevant. Either you start talking, or you'll receive a definition of the words "Super Saiyen".
SG: (confused) Um....okay. I'll go along with that.
Vegeta: Glad to hear it. Now, TALK!
(Back in the control room, Moltar walks back in. GB walks past)
Moltar: (laughs) Congratulations, crow. You've successfully rattled the Ghost.
GB: (snickers) Glad to be able to. Now, where's those fuel rods I heard about?
Moltar: From the control room, head straight down that hall, turn right, make another left, and straight down the stairs. The fuel rods are those little purple things at the far end.
GB: (nods) Thanks for the help. (leaves)
Moltar: (waits a few moments, then returns to the video monitor) Now, let's see how our little fiasco is rolling along.
Zorak: (chuckles; from monitor) Oh, it's just great. Vegeta's like Merril Markoe, but worse. You've got the same words coming from the mouth of a Super Saiyen. It ain't pretty, but I love it.
(Meanwhile, GB has reached the flight of stairs that lead to where the fuel rods are located. Looking back and forth to see if anyone's coming, he descends the stairs. It is pitch black, with the only light coming from the fuel rods at the far end. A figure steps out of the darkness, holding a flashlight. The person is identified as Zelgadis)
Zelgadis: I hope you're not thinking that I'm medieval or anything. Candles just won't cut it down here, you know.
GB: (nods) I'm not. So, what are you here for?
Zelgadis: Just yanking the fuel rods free of the reactors aren't enough. When you do, I'll send you home myself. (pauses) Did anyone else get thrown in with you?
GB: Yeah, my friends, the Samurai Pizza Cats. You hear of them?
Zelgadis: Considering how they destroyed that comet, do you think I didn't? This could be a slight problem.
GB: Why's that?
Zelgadis: When more than one individual is tossed into a vortex of energy that powerful, whoever makes it back first will be thrown into limbo. You'll be stuck there for days, or even weeks, until your friends manage to escape their trap as well.
GB: (shrugs) Whatever. I just hope this works. Are Luna and Artemis still here?
Zelgadis: Yes. Why?
GB: I'll need them to find a way to get a message back to Little Tokyo, like a letter or something. Tell them everything that's happened, and see to it that it's sent. Address it S.I.D. Headquarters, under the name of Aldonza Karate; she's a big fan of the Scouts.
Zelgadis: (slowly nods) I'll do that. Now, lay hold of that energy source. It's safe; this isn't a nuclear plant, or anything.
(The former Ninja Crow slowly walks forward, grabs the fuel rods, and tries to pull them free)
Zelgadis: (quietly; an aura forms around him) Ancient powers weak and strong, send this crow back to where he belongs!
(GB pulls the fuel rods free, and there is a bright white flash. When it clears, the Crow is no longer there, and Zelgadis is once more alone. The fuel rods fall to the floor, glow briefly, then shatter into dust)
Zelgadis: (dusts off his hands; walks back upstairs) And that...is that.
SG: For the last time, I DO NOT have a collection of teddy bears in my closet!
Vegeta: And how do we know you don't? And for that matter, how do we know that you don't have a poster of the Taco Bell chihuahua on your bedroom wall? (laughs)
SG: (angrily) Because I don't HAVE anything on the-----
(The lights flicker briefly, and Vegeta's image turns to static. With that, the whole of Ghost Planet Industries is plunged into darkness. Vegeta's laugh echoes throughout the studio for a short time afterward)
Moltar: Um....Space Ghost, the power's out.
Zorak: (sarcastic) Moltar, Dark Lord of the Obvious.
(The credits begin to roll. The three are still talking in the background)
SG: Who did that? Moltar!
Moltar: (rummages around) The fuel rods in the basement are destroyed. It'll take another week to replace them. Where's that dealer you got them from?
Zorak: He moved on to planet Galvinos. He said that if they're destroyed, they're impossible to refund.
SG: (quietly) This has not been my day.
-(Cartoon Network logo)
-(Ghost Planet Industries logo)
(End of file)